Peace in the waiting
I have never been very good at waiting. Most of my life, I’ve been in a rush.
I was born six weeks early. On the first day of fourth grade, I stood up and told my teacher that I was done with fourth grade. He believed me and I started fifth grade a few weeks later. I graduated high school at sixteen. I began dating my husband the week of Thanksgiving in 1999. We began to talk about getting married before Christmas, even though I was just seventeen. I graduated from college after just two and a half years and we were married when I was nineteen. We bought a house when I was twenty and had our oldest son when I was twenty two.
I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
Over the last nine years, however, I have learned how to slow down. In my pregnancies with my sons, I spent a total of nine months on bed rest. If you met me ten years ago, you would know that bed rest is my definition of hell. I love to run, swim, bike, dance, cook, shop…really anything other than laying around. I loved being pregnant, but hated the waiting.
Even though I knew through each of my pregnancies that the waiting was a unique opportunity to rest, pray, study, and be quiet, I fought it.
Two years later, we’re in another season of waiting. We’ve done most of the work we’ll need to do to get the adoption process started and now we’re waiting: waiting for my fingerprints to come back from the FBI, waiting for our immigration paperwork, waiting to meet our little girl.
Somehow this season feels much more peaceful. I feel joyful and content, even as we’re longing for the baby girl who will be our daughter. I am trying to accept and embrace where God has our family right now.
It has taken me almost six years, but I feel like I am finally loving being a mom. I have always loved my kids, but I have struggled with resenting the work. It is a lot of work to parent three little people. Over the last few months, however, something has changed and I’m just loving where our family is at. I am loving teaching the kids, loving watching them learn and grow. People still tell me all the time that I am busy and I have my hands full – just in case I didn’t know???
But more than ever before, I am not looking across the fence thinking the grass is greener. God has been gracious to me. The change in my heart is a small miracle. For most of the last five years, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking I would rather go back to work part-time to pay for private school instead of fully embracing the call of motherhood. God shut the door for our family to send our kids to private school, however, and I’ve ended up doing two things that terrified me: homeschooling and sending our kids to public schools.
And I love it. Like crazy love it. I love being more involved in our community. I love teaching our kids. And more than ever, I love being a mom. I’m thankful that God didn’t give me what I wanted and instead gave me what I needed.
And I’m even joyful in the waiting.